Don’t you hate it when you’re all hyped up for a fight; only to find out that you’re so severely outclassed, that you really shouldn’t have actually mustered up the energy to make your way there? Or when you’re surrounded by people who are constantly just… better than you? This is when you’re so seriously out of your league, that you’re basically walking to your death, or your own obscurity. Welcome back to our Top 10 readers, where this week we look at our Top 10 characters who shouldn’t have bothered.
10) Batman – The Lego Movie
Let’s get this kicked off with an unpopular choice, we’ll make it up to you though. While his performance more than earned a spinoff feature length that was freakin awesome I find myself asking the question… in the first Lego Movie, what did Batman actually do? He picked up Emmet and Wyldstyle during their escape from Badcop, and after that… well that’s it.
And to be honest, there were many ways they could have escaped that jam without having to bring Batman into play. Would the film have been as funny? No, but the poor guy saves the hero who eventually takes his girlfriend. Not only did he basically show up to do not an awful lot, it also screws him over quite badly. Best he got out of it was a spinoff, in which he was sad and lonely but did manage to save the day.
9) Jar Jar Binks – Star Wars
Told you we’d make it up to you. The simple fact is that Jar Jar holds a fundamentally important role in the Star Wars universe, and there’s a great deal of good he did as the Otoh Gungan representative of Naboo in the senate, the greatest of which being providing providing emergency powers to Senator Palpatine… what a good idea that proved to be.
Shall we build on the fact that this illustrious career was built on the back of being banished by Boss Nass for being a klutz? And spawning one of the most laughable fan theories in fan theory history. For all he manages to accomplish as a senator he undoes it a thousand times over in and out of universe, by also being a tremendous nail in the coffin of the prequel trilogy. Even as a general he manages to bumble his way into some tremendous acts of heroism, an embarrassment that somehow made it to the upper echelons of galactic government.
8) Butters – South Park
We considered Kenny, but in between his constant demises he accomplishes a great deal. Butters on the other hand spends most of his existence as little more than a patsy to Cartman’s diabolical scheming, and on the off chance Butters tries to get in some scheming of his own under the guise of Professor Chaos, he’s almost always outdone by his own incompetence, lack of imagination, or fear of what his parents might do to him.
His greatest accomplishment to date has to be the war in Imaginationland, resurrecting imaginary heroes to fight for goodness and light, but the reality of that entire incident is highly questionable, and was in fact the subject of a court case that didn’t even involve him. It’s a wonder he gets out of bed in the morning, but that sunny disposition is apparently indestructible. It needs to be.
7) Iago – Aladdin
Ultimately, when we looked at characters to add to this list, we needed to try to get an understanding of what the purpose of a character is. Now, this might sting a bit, as Iago is a cool enough character, within reason. The problem happens in a few ways, such as how Iago kinda does nothing of any real importance throughout the entire film, but he talks a lot.
The real failure however lies in what type of character Iago is. You might be happy to obviously point out that he’s a parrot and yes, you’re right there. That’s not his problem. He’s a sidekick, which is secondary to the much more lovable Abu. He’s also supposed to be comedic relief, but he’s once again second to the mighty Robin Williams as the Genie. If anything, Iago shows us how good the film was, because in any other Disney film, he may have stood a chance at standing out.
At least he’s a parrot.
6) Robert Paulson – Fight Club
His name was Robert Paulson…
Albeit Robert ‘Bob’ Paulson is cast by the fantastic Meat Loaf, which when you say that out loud sounds derogatory, considering the gimmick of Bob, he never manages to get off the ground in this film. Oh sure, it’s definitely a classic title, which I’d reckon everyone should watch at some point in their lives. However, Bob is a terribly tragic character that we first encountered in a support group for men with testicular cancer.
Bob was originally a ‘juicer’, or someone who takes steroids to make their body appear larger than is. In return, he gained his testicular cancer and had to have his testicals removed. He joined the Fight Club on Tuesdays and Thursdays, meaning that he never met the narrator. On his first Fight Club operation, where he was supposed to be part of a group who went in to destroy a piece of corporate art and trash the place. He took a gunshot to the head and that was the end of Robert Paulson.
5) Negative Man – Mother 3
Exactly what you expect from this disappointing encounter, he’s just really negative about everything. Except his damage, to which he poses no threat what so ever. He’s ultimately absolutely worthless and he hates his existence so much that he tells you just how worthless he is. A crying shame for the Spongebob wannabe, who could have amounted to so much more.
Heck, he’s not even a fight you have to do! He’s so upset and useless that he’s put himself away from the action, just so you don’t have to bother with him. It begs the question of why he even bothered going there? I mean he wants the protagonists to defeat him, yet he hides away. He’s a mess; a contradiction and forever a character who shouldn’t have bothered.
4) Theon Greyjoy – Game of Thrones
Oh Theon, poor unloved little Theon. After being taken in as a ward to the Stark family he endeavours to reach out to his father to aid the Starks in their own war. His father naturally refuses and demands instead that Theon go back and take the lands once owned by his adoptive family to prove his loyalty to house Greyjoy. To his credit he pulls it off, and then immediately loses the whole of the North of Westeros, his freedom, his identity, and his ~cough~ favourite toy. The rest of his life is spent as a nameless servant to the mad Boultons, and no one cares, probably not even his sister any more, she has other things on her plate.
It’s one thing in Game of Thrones to be hated, or even loved; your death will invoke a reaction from the crowd. Celebration, despair, shock, but when Theon dies will anyone say more than “Oh hey, finally put him out of our misery”? Truth be told he might even live to see the end, after all he has nothing left to live for now.
3) Nicholas De-Mimsy Porpington – Harry Potter
Failing in life is one thing, bearing a constant reminder through the afterlife is rather another. After an unpleasant incident involving the teeth of a woman for whom Nicholas De-Mimsy Porpington had affections for, he was treated to execution by an apparent amateur. Forty-five swings of the axe left the remaining spectre with the nickname “Nearly Headless Nick”.
And afterlife is no picnic for the partially decapitated. Though he holds station in Gryffindor tower, Porpington’s haunt is only improved by his proximity to Harry Potter, earning him some reputation amongst the institution’s other ghostly inhabitants, but sadly not quite enough to earn him a place amongst the Headless Hunt. And how unlucky must one be to be turned to ghost-stone by a basilisk? All in all Nearly-Headless Nick doesn’t have much fortune, before or after death, and probably shouldn’t have bothered coming back.
2) Dan Hibiki – Street Fighter
Arrogant, overconfident and feeble is how the Street Fighter Wikia represents him. In fact, in every way that Dan exists, he’s something of a disappointment not only to his peers but really himself too. But in his mind, he believes he’s a man of many talents. He’s created his own martial art, he runs his own dojo and none of that matters – Because even his dojo is failing. Nevertheless, his arrogance keeps him coming back for more punishment.
Dan has one saving grace however and that’s his actual knowledge of martial arts in general. It might seem like a strange point to make, but due to his knowledge of fighting styles, he sometimes manages to save himself. He’s also a really good guy, so sometimes, just being good can save you from complete obscurity. But don’t worry – In canon he really is a big old loser and we kind of love him that way. He probably shouldn’t have bothered, but thanks a lot for trying, Dan.
1) Hercule – DragonBall Z
Mr. Satan, or Hercule as us Westerners know him, is our top spot for this list. Now, like many of the characters on this list, there’s a plethora of good that he’s accomplished, but nothing would overcome the insanely fast loss he had to Cell during the Cell Games saga. With one backhand, Hercule, the supposed hero of Earth, lost on television. But that didn’t stop him from watching that whole tournament go down. He was convinced that he truly was the strongest man on Earth until that point.
So yes, really, when we dreamed up this list, we knew Hercule had to have a mention. But considering he tried to fight the mighty Cell and, really, caused more problems than he did good, with the media’s attention, due to the overly braggadocious nature of the man – He had to make number one. I mean he helped during the Buu saga and began to realise he was a bit of a hinderance rather than a help, but he’s seriously so boastful, that he asks people to basically leap out of the ring so he can win a televised match. Now THAT is Sports Entertainment™!
Some people just end up finishing last, because they just weren’t ready. Some people end up dying really fast, because that’s really all they’re good for. Nevermind the fact they could help people in the process, they are just not really prepared for what comes their way. Here’s some more examples, who just couldn’t even make this list. Gosh, they really shouldn’t have bothered…
James Ellsworth – WWE
Oh Jimmy Dream, how you fell to a goliath so quickly. You inspired so many people with your mantra of “Any man with two hands has a fighting chance” and yes, we loved the fact you even got your own merchandise in the WWE. But since then, you turned on the one man who was trying to look out for you and you’ve now fallen out of the main event scene, likely to never go back there again.
You can argue that actually, for a guy who just thought he had a fighting chance and nothing else, that he did good with his monstrous loss to Braun Strowman. Just because you stand up to someone big though, doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be loved. In fact, ever since the day you turned on your former friend, you’ve been relegated to being someone’s manager. Sort of. It’s really more that he’s now just become a whipping boy – And that’s fine.
The First Death in Any Film
It can’t be easy going through life with everyone around you just rooting for you to die, but it has to happen eventually. I mean it’s still a horror film, odds are not in your favour, and while the old stereotype of “black dude dies first, pure and innocent virgin gets to live” has been buried under the patio long ago, someone’s going to get killed and we’ll get just long enough to really invest in your life before that guy or terrible monster sneaks up behind you and stabs you repeatedly with its knife face.
EXAMPLE: Fujiyoshi – Battle Royale
She’s the girl who stands up in class to question the teacher – and takes a knife to the head for her troubles. She dies before she gets to the combat island. Or at least before she gets onto the island, I guess.
Man, to think that a lot of these characters we either barely knew the name of, or we forgot they even existed in their film/game or otherwise says heaps about how much they should have bothered. They really were pushing it and now we’re looking past this rabble and onto next week’s article. Why not help us decide what article we write next week in the poll below?
We saw some good characters with poor casting, we saw useful characters mess up what makes them useful, in fact, we’ve seen it all! But that’s precisely the problem – We’ve been there, done that, got the tshirt and laughed as these characters crashed and burned hard. But what did you make of this week’s Top 10? Did we get the right characters for the list, or did we forget some really uninspired characters? Let us know in the comments below or over on Facebook, Twitter or Reddit!