Battlelines are drawn, it’s time to get suited into my gear built for war. On goes these boots, which are ten sizes too large; then on goes my helmet, which is too thick to see out of. It doesn’t matter how big and bulky my armour is though, for you see this is my armour which I wear proudly to combat. I don’t know what I can barely move my arms around in this kit, all that matters is that it’s me and my iron suit out there, wreaking havoc!
Of course, that’s all well said and done, but media really is filled with the most awkward armour known. From ladies armour which barely counts as armour, through to oversized suits which you can barely see out of, all that matters is that the armour must be awkward, either by size, weight or strange designs. Join us this week for another Top 10, where we inspect this armoury as critically as we can.
10) Nautilus – League of Legends
Originally, Nautilus was a pretty normal human who worked out on the seas as a sailor. He was on an expedition to explore the uncharted parts of the Guardian’s Sea. As he explored, he found an area of the water with some black unidentifiable goop, which he needed to investigate further. He put on a diver suit, then went to go into the waters to explore the waters – Only to be grabbed by some dark tendrils. The crew of his ship decided it would be safer for them to make sure he didn’t stay holding onto the ship, so they sailed off without him.
Pulled deep into the water, Nautilus slowly lost consciousness. When he awoken again, he was completely different – But he didn’t know this, as this diver suit was now bound to him. Keeping the horrors of the deep within his armour, the suit is a blessing and a curse. It’s not a great piece to fight wars in, but he had no friends or family, or even a life to return to, so he takes to the rift and gets fighting.
9) Entombing Armour – Goblins
An unofficial title for some of the most devastating armour in Goblins: Life Through Their Eyes. An item called The Shield of Wonder causes random magical effects each time it is struck, so you can imagine the chaos caused when Complains, the goblin currently wielding the shield dives straight onto a forest of upturned spears. In the fight, one of his attackers strikes the shield, only to watch his weapon dissolve and start covering him.
The resulting armour gets steadily bigger, better, cooler, grows spikes, rapidly growing from studded leather, to chain mail, scale, plate, then suddenly onwards to a juggernaut of shielding, growing ever bigger and heavier. It dawns on the victim that this is going too far, as his movement is restricted, he can’t move for the size of the suit, until eventually he vanishes inside a sarcophagus of metal plates, with nothing but a slight trickle of blood to clue you in to his fate.
8) Light Leather Armour of Nightmares (Light) – Lineage 2
Lineage 2 is perhaps a name you don’t remember. A very old MMO, and one that took skimpy armour to professional levels. But where other MMOs are content with giving the female characters tiny pieces of armour, Lineage 2 was all about equal opportunity when it came to dressing up (or down) the heroes characters play, focusing on showing as much skin as they could.
And that’s where this armour comes from, its purpose not being to protect its wearer but to show their impressive abs. I’ll admit, that’s an insane 6-pack there, but I doubt they’re strong enough to stop a sword.
I mean, maybe I’m crazy, but I thought the purpose of body armor was to protect the freaking body, not just show it off!
7) The Jake Suit – Adventure Time
Jake’s super stretchy powers and weirdly close bond with little brother Finn allows the young human hero to wear armour made of Jake. Seriously, he just climbs right on into his mouth and wears him, face poking out between the teeth, running around using Jakes incredible shape changing and durability to its full, two trained brothers working in unison, strengths combined into one unstoppable and super weird hero-ing machine.
Jake naturally takes all the pain and loses all control as Finn’s awesome will takes over the host fully, pushing Jake’s dogbrain out of the equation. It raises some awkward questions too, like what does Finn taste like? And whose idea was this in the first place? It gets even weirder when roles are reversed, and Jake tries to teach Finn to be more careful, letting his mutable form flow through Finn’s veins, wrap around his muscles and bones. No part of this situation is normal, but it’s effective if nothing else.
6) Rachel – Ninja Gaiden
You know those stories about women’s armour in games being not armour at all, but rather something to objectify women? Yeah, this might be one of those cases – Rachel is a hell of a character, who first made her debut in the Xbox Ninja Gaiden game, as one of two playable characters. She’s able to kick a lot of butt and she’s got a heck of a tragic backstory, which brings her likability right to the forefront of her character.
But a lot of people won’t be able to see past the fact that her armour is literally a fetish night out, as she wears very little. Let’s just say, if you ever wanted to know what she looked like without clothes on, you basically just had to look at her. It’s not practical as armour, it’s not a good look for someone claiming to be a Fiend Hunter… It’s just really awkward to look at. A lot of people may disagree, thinking it makes perfect sense, which in its own round about way, it might do – as she leaps all over the place with ease.
5) Darknut – LoZ Wind Waker
It’s gotta be tough being Ganon in The Wind Waker. Your powers are sealed in the lost kingdom of Hyrule, and the best knights at your disposal, the Darknuts, wear an armor where all its pieces and plates are bound to the same exact spot on their backs. It takes only a quick slash to that knot and the entire suit falls apart.
When all it takes is a swipe to turn your dark knights into medieval nudists, you know you need new personnel, Ganon.
4) Batnipples – Batman and Robin
Nipples were just the start of the problems for this batsuit. The Caped Crusader’s armour was never worse than under Schumacher’s direction, and you can get it all in full glory from the montage. Batbutt tight and plasticky, batcodpiece given an unnecessary closeup, the cloak which just looks like a bin liner, and the neck that completely removes what little acting Clooney had left in him after looking at the script.
It might even be the worst part of the film, and that’s saying something in the face of the ice puns, all of Poison Ivy, all of Bane, just… all of the film. Oh while we’re still talking batsuits, shall we discuss the silver trimmed suits for the grand finale? One that batgirl is also wearing that is absolutely not the same one that she put on in her own gratuitous montage! Even Freeze’s suit makes more sense, a little OTT on the neon perhaps but it’s on point for the character at least. And there are no Batnipples!
3) The Berserker Armour – Berserk
On first glance, the Berserker Armor is perfect for Berserk protagonist Guts. It numbs pain, helps him push his strength far beyond the “safe” limits of human bodies, the point where muscles begin to burn and burst, and even restores him from external and self-inflicted wounds.
But you know, there’s a reason its previous owner, the Skull Knight, sealed it away and it may be that it can send its wearer into murderous frenzy rages, where they can’t distinguish between friend or foe and just want to rip things apart. I may also slowly deteriorate the wearer’s mind, making it easier for this berserking effect to take hold.
2) Xanthous Armour – Dark Souls
If one ventures into the Painted World of Ariamis in Dark Souls to face the crossbreed Priscilla, one can go on to face Xanthous King, Jeremiah, a mysterious figure who appears to slay the player if the proper circumstances are met. I’ll admit, I have not played a Dark Souls game yet, but I adore the series for its design. Or at least I did.
It’s a giant mummified wooden spoon!
Ok, from the neck down, this light armour set is actually pretty cool, best Curse protection in the game, some great resistance values, although it’s listed as granting no Poise bonus. But really, is there any wonder when putting the hat on makes you look like you’re about to BAKE A CAKE HEAD FIRST? Oh, and in Dark Souls 3 it gets flattened out, so now instead of looking like a utensil, you instead look like the Pharaohs head chef. EMPHASIS ON HEAD!
Kudos to those who have cosplayed the Mighty Spoon of Xanthous, the Tick would be proud of all of you.
1) Alphonse Elric – Fullmetal Alchemist
Alphonse Elric and his older brother Edward lost their mother at an early age, leaving them alone and vulnerable. They were prodigies in the art of alchemy, showing off ability far beyond their ages. Although their mother died, they decided to research human transmutation, a forbidden skill in alchemy – As the principles of alchemy is deeply entrenched in the law of equivalent exchange. For whatever you get out, you must put in something of an equal value – and how can you put a value on a life?
After the transmutation circle goes horribly wrong, Alphonse loses his body and Edward loses his leg. Edward sacrifices his arm to make sure Alphonse can come back, however he isn’t able to save Al’s body – Only his soul. Using his blood, Edward binds Al’s soul to an old, clunky suit of armour. Whilst Al is grateful to be alive, being stuck in this cumbersome form is part of the centrepiece of the series. Between Ed wanting his arm and leg back, Al vows to get his body back as well. But, if we had to say a positive, it makes him look very cool and he can hide cats inside of him. As well as cats, he can hide people… But that doesn’t always go so well.
Feeling uncomfortable? If you’re dressing for the job you want, clearly we’re out for a job in shifting from foot to foot and asking if it’s too hot, or when they can take this off, like a politician or pantomime horse. But the inept armourer isn’t resting his hammer just yet, there’s still a couple more rejects too bad for the rejects drawer of awkward armour, deserving of honourable mention.
Diamond Skin – Diablo 3
Okay, so nearly everything else on the list has actually been something physical, so we needed to throw in some more magical armours as well. We thought about what magical armour out there is all that impractical? Could we talk about a Mage’s Ice Block? We figured we had a better idea for World of Warcraft, so we didn’t put that in… So what could we pick? Funnily enough, we came to Diablo 3, a game notorious for characters needing a huge amount of toughness to get anywhere late game.
Diamond Skin is an ability that turns one’s skin into that of diamonds. This is a pretty fabulous looking ability, which is rather handy, as it doesn’t seem to hinder the user in any real way. However, whenever I look at it, I always think about how ridiculously blinding it must be walking around as literal diamonds. The above picture alone glows so much that I think I need to replace my retinas!
Arborweave (Druid Tier 12) – World of Warcraft
World of Warcraft raid tier sets range from the amazing to the ludicrous and often follow the theme of their raid, with Tier 12 tied to the Firelands and thus they all have some element of “burning” in their design, but only the druids have to wear still-burning pieces of wood.
Other classes have torches for shoulderguards or helmets, and that’s fine, it’s actually functional, but who in their right minds would wear an armor made of wood for one, not the best material for protection against evil, and second, having parts of it still be on fire. It’s almost as if the Druid rolled over a campfire.
Our battle is finally over, it’s time to rest. Let’s take off our helms and finally kick off these massive greaves, as it’s now a time for peace and quiet. So, whilst we spend the next twenty years taking our equipment off, why don’t you get involved with the voting process and decide what our next Top 10 is going to be?
Once again, we’d like to take a minute to say a massive thank you to Kevin for his contributions to this list – We probably couldn’t have done it without you! If you want to take part in helping us write these Top 10’s, let us know in the comments below. Meanwhile: What did you think of our list for this week? Was our selection of armour just awkward enough to make you think “How…? Why..?” Did we get the order right? As always, leave all your thoughts below, or over on Facebook, Twitter or Reddit.