Top 10 – Kleptomaniacs
A kleptomaniac is someone who can’t help themselves, but to steal. Nevermind stealing your heart, these individuals will just take what they see. Really, it doesn’t matter to them – they know they need it, no matter what it is. They just have to have it. Well then, we’re going to have to tread carefully and lock all of our valuables away. Indeed, we’d better nail this Top 10 down, as this week we’re keeping an eye out for our Top 10 Kleptomaniacs.
10) Mega Man
Ah yes, the Blue Bomber himself gets the first dibs on this post due to something we said last week. In the comments for last weeks Top 10, we mentioned that Mega Man’s weapon didn’t work for him being well known for his ranged prowess, but instead he was well known for being a bit of a kleptomaniac – In a weird, roundabout way that is. You see, Mega Man kills Robot Masters, which leads to one thing…
… More power ups! Mega Man defeats his foes, which makes them drop a convenient chip for their own powers. Couple this with the sheer number of power ups provided to him in the form of Rush the robot dog, Mega Man is given lots of abilities and often he just can’t help himself but steal them from the recently deceased. Cruel.
9) Rogue – X-Men
Rogue is one of the most tragic characters in the X-Men franchise. A character who wants to just be a normal girl, who ends up finding that her abilities are just too much for people to handle.
We all know what Rogue does, but in case you don’t – Her mutant power is to “borrow” another mutants’ power. It doesn’t seem to matter how strong the mutant is, either, she is able to cope with any power she gets her hands on, literally. This is often at the cost the health of whoever she touches, so she often keeps herself isolated and away from others, fearing love due to the ferocious power she possesses.
So these last two entries have been a strange example of kleptomania, so shall we look at actual kleptomaniacs, now?
8) Adam Jensen – Deus Ex
If you checked out yesterday’s article on Deus Ex, you’ll have noticed I explained that the game was rather open world. Part of the joy of playing as the augmented human is to steal everything he can, which, yeah you’ve guessed it, is rather a lot of stuff. But he does it for good, honestly, he’s a master of security, allowing him to break into secure buildings and rooms, allowing him to peruse the information on peoples emails…
… But whilst he’s in peoples rooms, he’s not just stealing information – He steals money. He steals pizza slices. He steals wine and he steals ‘crafting parts’. Ultimately, if there’s something he can make use of, he will break into a house and he’ll take it. Hey, at least he’s doing things for good, right? Who cares if he takes your life savings, he’s an Aug.
… Damn this is about to become another Aug Incident! Give me my credits back, Jensen!
7) The Asylum – Mockbuster Studio
Also well known for the Sharknado franchise, The Asylum made their name by becoming synonymous with the Mockbuster, films made on a budget of spit and wishes, and released with a name and packaging similar to – but legally distinct from – the smash-hit film du jour. The Da Vinci Treasure, Snakes on a Train, Transmorphers, Alien vs Hunter, Sunday School Musical, Paranormal Entity, Atlantic Rim, just to name a few.
It’s gotten them in more than a bit of legal trouble when their parasitic antics have taken them more than a little too close to the line, but to date they haven’t lost money on a single production! They’re even acquiring other studios in addition to creating their megamonster series of so-bad-they’re-awful catalogue. Compulsive scrounging has made The Asylum mighty indeed, but the quality shows next to no sign of going up.
The Fast and the Fierce. I’m done.
6) Lance Corporal Nobby Nobbs – Discworld
It is said in Pseudopolis Yard that if anything goes missing, you just hold Nobby upside down and shake. The street urchin cutpurse turned to a life of fighting crime when he encountered an honest copper with an eye for talent, after all it takes a thief to catch a thief, and that makes Nobby supremely qualified to wear the badge.
And of course Nobby is an honest sort, a genuine and certified human being. He had the opportunity to steal all of Ankh Morpork for himself but wouldn’t do it for fear of what his superior, Sam Vimes, would have to say on the matter. You could trust the man with your life, and if you died he’d even take his hat off while he pulled out your gold teeth… y’know, out of respect.
5) Garrett – Thief Franchise
While not quite so compulsive as the other members of our list, we’d be remiss not to include gaming history’s greatest thief in a list kleptomaniacs. He’s got an eye for value, and a talent that makes him invaluable in the more “covert” activities requested by the various operating factions and interest groups in the city. He has principles of course, but he’s certainly more larcenous than your Robin Hoods, a deft handed pickpocket, lockpick specialist, and merciless cold blooded killer, a least the way I played.
Garrett will gladly pay his guild dues in support of his craft and getting to keep all of his fingers, so long as he also gets his fair share for the rent and a few materials for a full night’s business. And if he happens to pinch a few pennies and lift a few jewels between dodging guards, well that’s just perks of the job.
4) The Protagonist – The Elder Scrolls Franchise
Take the amulet to Joffre, prove your worth to the blades and slay the dragon. It’s no small shopping list, and it’s so much harder when you’re limited to about a third of your running speed. What do you mean “put the forks down”? What if a dinner party breaks out and I don’t have enough cutlery? The Dovahkiin must be prepared for anything, and won’t serve on anything less than the finest dwarven dinnerwares.
Bethesda rather like populating their worlds with a vast array of props and day-to-day items, more so than most other production studios, but it does rather encourage the sticky fingered to be less than selective with their looting. But when traders can’t afford or won’t accept your pilfered trinketry, you end up building a home that looks like a Reikling’s trash heap.
3) Nott The Brave – Critical Role
Now that I’m finally watching the series it’s a genuine pleasure to have a chance to enter a character in our lists. As the very archetype of a rogue, Nott, the little goblin girl with the porcelain face has twitchy fingers of the highest order, as after only three episodes she’s had some real trouble holding that fact to herself. Her “handler”, the wizard Caleb, has done his best to help her control her compulsion, but has also fallen in with her criminal ways. Clearly there’s a deeper mystery here.
However, Nott’s habits promise a great deal of trouble in future. They’ve already earned her a hip flask made of platinum, seemingly more gold coins than the rest of the group combined, and a brass baby bottle. She has been out in the town for a stealing spree that nearly landed her in prison, or worse. Even then she has a need to drink almost continuously just to make it through the day. For being the dictionary definition of kleptomania, we’d be a fool not to include her in the list.
=1) Captain Jack Sparrow vs Bender
Gold? Love it. Food? Want it. Alcohol? Must have it. These two are so similar and yet are literal worlds apart. But, of these two, who deserves the top spot for Kleptomaniacs
Captain Jack Sparrow – Pirates of the Caribbean
But why indeed is the rum gone?!
Captain Jack Sparrow is well known for his shenanigans, on screen and off. In fact, one of the few things we know most about him, is that no matter what it is he wants, he will end up taking it. It’s a well developed sense, in which we can only guess he developed due to being the captain of the Black Pearl. But naturally, you’d think that being a pirate would mean that you always get what you want – and in Jack’s case, this seems to ring true.
Remember back to the first movie? How did they defeat Barbosa? Oh that’s right – Jack took that trinket without thinking about it, meaning when he was stabbed, he survived as he had the same curse that Barbosa had. Oh, but what about that apple Barbosa was eating? Yep, Jack wanted that too. There is a plethora of food and drinks stolen throughout the films, often times, we’ll see Captain Jack stealing just because something’s there. He may not be a hoarder, but he certainly knows when he wants to get something – and he knows just how to get it.
Whether it’s food, drink, gold, jewellery or even people – If Jack targets it, he’s going to get it.
Bender – Futurama
Landing a place alongside fellow career criminal in our number one slot, Bender Bending Rodriguez would earn it on volume alone, having stolen just about everything from everyone. Every treasure through all of history, the finest in sci-fi gizmos, doodads, and valuables, his seemingly infinite storage container has held some of the rarest of fortunes, alongside a watch and wallet collection that could make him incredibly rich.
Bender’s larcenous habits seem less compulsive than a pastime, as he derives more pleasure from the deceit than any need to steal, as his other hobbies include fraud, embezzlement, assault, and vandalism. But a little light burglary, pickpocketing, and general pilfering help keep the mind keen and beer flowing.
Once again we simply could not decide between us which of these petty thieves has earned the place of Number 1 Kleptomaniac, and so we give the decision to you:
If you can’t find your thief amongst out line-up, perhaps we should take a moment away from the rogues gallery and have a look at the wanted posters. A few light fingers who didn’t quite make it onto the list, but still… we’re keeping our eye on them.
Mokujin – Tekken
Remember way back at the start of this article, we were chatting about heroes who steal powers. It’s a really rather rude thing to do; but in this particular thief’s case, he’s just a plagiarist! Mokujin is a little wooden puppet who was given sentience to put a stop to all of the evil demons in the world. Mokujin fights demons, wanting the world to be a safer, much less evil place. What an honourable notion.
However, just because he has an honourable motive, doesn’t make him all that honourable at all. Some do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, however Mokujin doesn’t even credit the people who made his styles great! He simply has absorbed the world’s knowledge fighting knowledge, so he’s able to grapple with the best of them, punch as hard as a boxer and flip more than Law.
He’s a thief of epic proportions, taking what makes each character unique and robbing them of their personal style. He’ll sometimes even use it against them!
The Grinch – How The Grinch Stole Christmas
He stole Christmas, but then he stole our hearts, The Grinch is one nasty green fellow, who just has to have everything. Why does he steal so much? Because his heart is ten sizes too small, of course!
Only making it to our honourable list, The Grinch isn’t really thought of as a thief, but when you actually take apart the character, you realise that not only does he end up stealing everything to do with Christmas, but he also robbed the Who’s of their pride. He stole their Christmas and with it, he took their spirit.
Extra Honourable Mention
Oh, this happened quite recently, so we had to at the very least throw an extra honourable mention to this…
Every Character in League of Legends (With Kleptomancy)
Jake really enjoys playing League of Legends, so when he told me about the recent update and how it introduced a literal skill called Kleptomancy, I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. Anyone who has played a MOBA will be aware of how much difference an item can make – So whenever you attack an enemy, you have a chance of stealing a random item? You’d better believe that’s a damn overpowered move and yes, every character in game can have it.
That’s it, we’re out, we’ve been picked clean, not a thing left in sight. If you’re quite done stuffing your pockets then we have a poll for next week’s Top 10.
So ends our list of compulsive cutpurses and obsessive thieves, but who do you think was robbed of the number one slot? What professional pilferer was left unpicked, which rogue stole your heart? Who should have been lifted, and who should be sent down? Give us your thoughts willingly in the comments section or on Facebook and Twitter.