Film, TV, video games and literature all have something in common: Characters. Sometimes, these characters like to have a good feast, or a banquet. Sometimes, these characters eat, make or prepare absolutely revolting food. We’ve all seen terrible food before, but in today’s Top 10 list, we’re going to be counting down 10 of the most disgusting foods we’ve ever seen in various mediums.
10) Spoo – Babylon 5
A predictable and unfortunate side-effect of the culmination of sapient races, is that dietary conflict will inevitably arise. Spoo is a favoured dish of the opposed Centauri and Narn people, and while they have severely differing attitudes on how it ought be served, the fact that they can stomach it at all is perplexing to every other race, especially humans, who react badly… very badly to ingesting it.
The creature from which it is harvested is so utterly unlovable, that even the derided and repulsive pak’ma’ra have a low opinion of it. Not even Skeletor likes it (because Michael J. Straczynski worked on He-Man too, now you know that). But everything is food to something, and Spoo is included on that list, much to the perplexity of every other living creature in the B5 universe.
9) Tubby Custard – Teletubbies
A “race” of subhumans who have their every need catered to by machines, their every movement administered by a mysterious overseer who commands them from beneath the ground. A “race” who channel banality through their very bodies. What sustenance could give such creatures their longevity? Only the pink sludge dispensed within their pseudo-futuristic lair, “Tubby Custard”.
The slurry is treated with a reverence, ritualistically created by the machine, placed into a ceremonial bowl. It’s consumed via a spiralling straw; it’s inefficient and tedious. And from what could this paste be made? No crops grow, organic foodstuffs seem limited, indeed no animal life is anywhere to be seen… except rabbits. An abundance of rabbits.
8) Dwarven Bread – Pratchett
“It was miraculous, the dwarf bread. No one ever went hungry when they had some dwarf bread to avoid. You only had to look at it for a moment, and instantly you could think of dozens of things you’d rather eat. Your boots, for example. Mountains. Raw sheep. Your own foot.”
By taste, not the worst of foods on the list, but as it dwarves live on a mostly stone based diet most races find it indigestible. It’s also a time honoured method of quickly producing weapons capable of breaking the old enemy, the trolls. A dwarven drop scone is lethal at close range and a delicious snack at the end of a long day of fighting the stone-fleshed halfwits.
Some samples of dwarven baking can be found in museums, still as fresh as the day mother lifted them from the anvil. Perhaps only the Scone of Stone (the only acceptable reason for those two words to rhyme) has ever required rebuilding due to excessive use, where the Battle Bread of B’hrian Bloodaxe – the first Low King – remains as crusty and deadly as ever.
7) Protein Blocks – Snowpiercer
A grim glimpse of a potential future, and I’m really not talking about the train that endlessly circumnavigates the frozen earth. While those at the front of the train can feast on fish and mammal flesh, those at the back are fed a gelatinous oblong filled with brown “protein” substitute. But on a train, farming is hard, and sustainable sources of food are hard to come by.
The vats in which the blocks are produced are swarming with insects, primarily cockroaches by the looks of things. It’s mixed in with food waste from the eaters in the front, along with bones and leftovers. Some ecologists believe that entomophagy will become vital to a sustainable ecology, and I for one quite like fried crickets… and we know for a fact it’s not the worst thing they’ve eaten in times of desperation toward the back of the train.
6) Rachel’s Trifle – F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Rachel was a bit overzealous with the whole “making an English dessert”. She meant well, really she did, but she ended up coming up with a monstrosity that no one should ever try. Well, I mean, I would try it as it all sounds individually delicious, but that’s besides the point. She’s made half an English trifle and half a shepherd’s pie. Let’s not blame her too much – It wasn’t her “mind” that did it.
Two pages were stuck together, creating the Frankenstein of all desserts. Stitching these two components together is probably a sin, however some people thought they’d go out and make it for themselves. Better yet, some people sought to improve the recipe and make it more edible. Check out this awesome sounding recipe for a fake beef version of Rachel’s trifle – Sure to impress, or surprise your guests.
5) Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans – Harry Potter
Sitting beautifully in the fifth place spot, we had no choice but to throw Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans in this list. If you’re a fan of Harry Potter, there’s no doubt you had to be thinking of them the moment this list came up. However, not every flavour is bad. Not every flavour is good. I’d be hesitant to say that it’s a 50/50 chance, but it’s as good an analogy as you’ll get from us.
Basically, Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour beans will legitimately taste of anything. This can include fruits and vegetables, meats and sweets. This can also include bogeys, vomit, urine and poop. You know, all the great stuff you’d want to put in your mouth…
… Wait, no, I take that back.
4) Human Pies – Sweeney Todd
Of all of the entries on this list, I think this one is the most normal. Don’t take that as me trying to normalise cutting down your victims and turning them into pies, that’s not what I’m saying. A lot of the other entries on this list are relatively out there, but this one is disgusting. This one was made to be revolting, to be disgusting – but most importantly, this one shows the dangers of cutting costs.
Okay, perhaps not that last bit, but it certainly turned into a lucrative business. Between the barber of Sweeney Todd himself and Mrs Lovett next door, they made a killing (pun intended!) Sweeney would murder the barber’s guests, dropping them down a chute and then ensuring to cut up the bodies. These would then form the base of Mrs Lovett’s pies, which would be served up by Tobias Ragg. Poor Tobias, if only he knew what he was giving to the hungry patrons.
3) Gagh – Star Trek
With a name that is basically onomatopoeia for what it is, Gagh is a delacy for the Klingon people. One race’s delacy is another’s hell, as Gagh is effectively eating a bunch of live worms. Described in the series as Serpent Worms, the Klingons would usually insist it was eaten live. There were also two other ways to prepare the dish, such as stewed Gagh or a cold dish of Gagh.
Amusingly, whilst Gagh may be a delacy to Klingons, even they didn’t enjoy the taste of it. Instead, it was eaten as a way to enjoy the feeling of crunching down on living beings and devouring them. Basically, this was a barbaric food, eaten to prove they were superior beings or what not. Most humans hated it, but Will Riker and Jean Luc-Picard both apparently developed a taste for it… Barbarians!
2) Soylent Green
Actually not that bad, kind of bland from what I understand, but better for you than the lower quality Red and Yellow (also produced by the Soylent company) which are almost entirely made of plankton from the world’s struggling oceans, Green taps into a hitherto underutilised but overly abundant foodstuff. The light green cracker is perhaps one of the greatest and best known spoilers of all time.
Soylent Green is people.
Yeah, cannibalism has never been so palatable or so well advertised. Thank goodness the Soylent corporation was here to make eating eachother so very socially acceptable through the simple tool of lying in advertising. Green is the wonderfood that everyone needs on their diets for the new year, and it’s so light and delicious, you don’t need to Make Room! Make Room!
1) Grilled Squid Tentacles Dressed in Peanut Butter- Shokugeki no Soma (Food Wars)
… This is PG-13, okay?
Considering this anime was made to whet your appetite, it’s fair to say that they’ve also made a major culinary disaster. It may have been intentional, but either way we couldn’t ignore this one. This is the most disgusting food we could think of. Soylent Green may be up there for being so bad, but at least you can eat it… I guess? Probably shouldn’t do, but then again at least you’re not going to feel violated.
As the name of this entry suggests, the protagonist has created a dish to serve revenge on a plate. If you want to eat something that’ll stick to your insides, slither down your throat and make you feel it wriggle every step of the way, then this is the dish for you. Slather up some squid tentacles in some peanut butter. Both by themselves may be delicious, but combined, this is a combination to give you nightmares.
Oh and the groping feeling you’ll get from the squid is horrible. Apparently. Hmm, tentacles…
If you thought the above was gross, then boy do we have a tale to tell you?! Have you ever heard of the 3 second rule? You know, you leave it on the floor for no more than three seconds and it’s fine to eat? Yeah, well, these next two entries completely ignore that rule.
Wall Meat – Castlevania
Some people think the idea of eating anything that’s been trapped in a wall for ages is gross. Those people are apparently wrong, according to the Belmont Family secret cookbook. If you’ve never heard of the Belmont Family, they are a lineage of vampire butt-kickers who have used every type of weapon in their arsenal – But few weapons are a match for the mighty restorative powers of some meat.
However to give the meat a bit of extra flavour, as well as nutritional value, the Belmont’s insist the meat must have been trapped in a wall for unknown amounts of time. They like to enjoy the taste of the rubble as they break the wall down. If you’ve never tried it yourself, then I won’t recommend it. Turns out the Belmont Family were a bunch of nutjobs, killing aristocrats and claiming they’re actually vampires…
… Plus they ignored the 3 second rule!
Ground Food – Bioshock
Classic player-character behaviour that would not be accepted in day to day life that goes hand in hand with wholesale slaughter, our protagonist has a tendency to delight in ingesting every foodstuff he encounters, like old crisps that were conveniently and safely stashed in a trash can, or made readily accessible from the floor in front of him. Oh Jack, how’s the home life bud?
He also shows no trepidation when it comes to syringes found lying around, arguably a more dangerous passtime than the raccoon-like diet. That at least can be excused because of the compulsive behaviour implanted deep into his brain, but come on, did anyone say “would you kindly eat the twinky that’s been lying there for a week”?
Another week has passed, meaning another Top 10 is coming to an end. If you managed to stomach this week’s vile list of disturbing and disgusting delectables, then perhaps you’ll join us again for another treat? As ever, we love to share with our guests, so help us serve up another delight, by choosing what disaster we make a list of next week. I promise, it’ll be as good (or as bad) as this week’s list!
Now that you’ve managed to keep today’s list down, it’s time for your feedback. Were we great hosts, or do you think our waiting skills could have been better? Did you like the entries on today’s menu, or did you think some of these options would have been better left for Gordon Ramsay? Did you agree with the order, or was there one we forgot? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below, or over on Facebook and Twitter.