Last year, I wrote an article on the Cosplay Trends for 2017, in which I managed to get 4 out of 5 right, so I felt like I needed to try this type of article once again! Yes, with the new year nearly on our doorstep, it’s time for us to look to the future. We’ve had a lot of really cool new trends appear this year, so what do you think we’re going to see in 2018? Well, there are some trends I foresee coming to light.
Two enter, one leaves. Choose your weapon wisely, train hard, and it might just be you. The arena-fighter has been a staple of the video game genre since the days of the arcade, pitching casts of characters that have grown and become increasingly elaborate and detailed as the technology and demand have risen.
As more and more fighting games are released, and other challengers step onto the field of battle – Marvel and DC, Capcom, Nintendo – there’s a lot of very memorable, and incredibly powerful combatants who deserve their own hall of fame. For now they’ll have to make do with our Top 10 Fighting Game Characters. (more…)
A lot of bad news this year, not just the deaths of beloved celebrities by the dozen, but one political farce after another made all the more painful by the rising availability of information, and the rampant spread of misinformation and the ever growing tirade of opinion drowning out fact.
But it hasn’t all been bad, and through the constant stream of bad news and doomsaying we’ve forgotten quite a few of the highlights. (more…)
Oops, we’re running out of puns… Quick, find something nearby and fire it off at our readers. Um, umm… Baloney Fudge and Mustard! There, now that I’ve got that off my chest, it’s time for us to look forward to this weeks’ list, as chosen by you, our dear Top 10 readers. Right now, both Joel and Timlah are at AmeCon, enjoying the convention – But we couldn’t forget to do our Top 10 for this week now could we?
You demanded it, so you’ve got it, this is our Top 10 Improvised Weapons list, but let’s get some ground rules going here. If it’s just there and it happens to be usable, then sure, it’s an improvised weapon. Also, if it’s something that people just wouldn’t generally use, then it’s also an improvised weapon. The room for scope on this one is massive, so read on for our list!
10) Shoe – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
“That really hurt! Who throws a shoe, honestly?”
Who said that everything was groovy to Austin Powers? The international man of mystery (though it’s dubious as to how he even got that title) is known to be susceptible to the occasional hit. It doesn’t matter that he’s a spy, he’s certainly not the best out there, even though Basil would probably try to get you to believe otherwise. Occasionally thought, Austin has been known to get hit by flying projectiles.
Such as shoes! In this scene in the first Austin Powers film, an assassin comes in and instead of throwing a knife into his throat, or poisoning Austin or anything logical, he throws his shoe at Austins head. This obviously hurts, so Austin shows his frustration by telling the assassin that it really hurt… And he’s right! Who would throw a shoe, honestly?!
9) Paint Cans – Home Alone
Of all of the many clever traps we could have picked, this one’s a favourite of Kevin McAllister’s when defending stairs. Tie off paint cans so that they swing and collide with the intruder firmly in the face, sending them flying backwards and severely wounding in the process. He liked it so much that he brought it back for the second film with a major upgrade, but I’d like to raise a few issues here.
The Wet/Sticky Bandits are drastically different heights. How’d he hit them square in the face the first time? They’d have to be on the right side of the stairs, and he’d have to have judged the height perfectly during prep work, along with all of the other crazy stuff he puts together. The pipe from Home Alone 2 was inspired, as it sweeps the whole staircase, hits them simultaneously and when they least expect it, but the cans were perversely well placed, and not to mention genuinely lethal!
Thank slapstick rules those guys lived, otherwise Home Alone 2 would have been a very different film. One without paint cans.
8) Milk From A Cow – Kung Pow: Enter the Fist
Okay, this isn’t a list of Top 10 Cows, that’s already happened hasn’t it? But this is a list of Top 10 Improvised weapons and to be honest, if you’re a kung-fu cow, you have very little in the way of weaponry. You have your hoofs and you have your body weight, which is significantly more than a human, but there’s very little else in your favour when you’re going one on one with a martial arts master.
Except, cows are female and therefore produces milk. In a scene that evokes the purest of reactions including “What am I watching?”, a cow attacks our protagonist by doing a cartwheel of sorts mid-air, whilst firing off stream of milk that it milks out of itself then and there. Aha, I guess the old adage of “Use what you’re given” rang a bit too true to this bovine. Moo-ving on, then.
7) Spoon – Mewtwo
Now, it’s arguable that this isn’t improvised at all, but instead is actually one of Mewtwos weapons. Yes, you’re reading this right, Mewtwo has a spoon in some adaptations of the character. Often seen in the manga with his spoon, Mewtwo is no better than an Alakazam, because y’know, spoons are the most obvious form of intelligent life, right? Whatever, why has this made our list?
Basically, the spoon isn’t really a spoon, but rather something that Mewtwo conjured. This means that Mewtwo had to think of something to produce as his weapon… So why would he choose a spoon? Perhaps it’s simply to mimic Alakazam, perhaps it was Pokemons way of saying “He’s a psychic type!”, but if you ask me, I just think that Mewtwo had a lovely bowl of soup once and wanted to use the spoon he ate it with… But also to make said spoon a lot bigger.
6) Wet Fish – Lots of things
The wet fish is a staple in comedy now. From the Holy Mackerel as we covered in our Top 10 Fish list a few weeks back, to just a wet tuna being slapped in someone’s face, the wet fish is a running gag which can also sometimes be taken to extremes, by making them into incredibly vicious weapons. You can be sure that if you get hit by a wet fish, you’re going to be extremely embarrassed.
I’m not sure where slapping someone with a wet fish first came from, but you can be sure that it’s been thrown around for ages. I’m sure that someone out there will know where this first came from, so if you know, leave us a comment below with your knowledge on slapping people with a wet fish… But hey, at least it accompanies the Scout’s favourite energy drink: Bonk!
5) Chair – Everything
Whilst lacking in originality, the chair is rather a classic, being something easy to lift, suitably heavy, and readily available in most fight situations like bar-brawls, stadium riots and cage fights. As bottles fly faster than harsh language, and people are being politely shown the exit head first, you can guarantee that somewhere in the midst of the carnage will be a chair, quite literally on its last legs.
When it comes to the matter of offering someone a seat, this method may be seen as a little over the top, but when they’re agitated and causing a fuss the best thing to do is get them a chair and make them calm down. Apply to the affected area, and repeat as necessary.
4) Microwave – Gremlins
This was inspired. One of the most fearful monsters in horror-comedy history is small enough to be shoved in a microwave and cooked until paste. For the monstrous spawn of Gizmo the kitchen is a source of food, mischief, and dangerous weapons, ones that they can use, and ones that can be used against them.
Though they are surprisingly strong, agile and deadly for their size, you can easily take a few gremlins down with a steak knife, a blender and flash photography, but one afternoon in a bathtub and they can regroup in terrifying numbers. Still, if you’re in a pinch, a powerful dose of radiation can really take care of things. Interestingly, the gremlin in question was nicknamed Grumpy, and was one of the first of Gizmo’s brood alongside Stripe, unlike Stripe, he does not reappear in the sequel.
3) Insults – Monkey Island
Insult Sword Fighting is a staple of the Monkey Island series, which took on many incarnations, including a rather weird turn for Insult Arm Wrestling too. As such, it’s obvious to me that the real weapon in these fights were not the physical activity, but clearly the wit to defeat your opponents in an insult-off. With quips such as “En garde, touche!” “Oh that is so cliche” and “You’re as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee!” “I look that much like your fiancee?”, you can bet that the insults are sharp!
But the curious part about this is the limited knowledge that Guybrush Threepwood possesses (he’s a mighty pirate, you know?) When he starts out, especially in The Curse of Monkey Island, he basically knows nothing about insults. He has to try to make do, but be humbled in defeat and learn from his defeats to progress and to learn to be wittier. Effectively, he’s making it up as he goes along – and that’s the ultimate form of improv.
2) Willing Allies, and Unwitting Enemies
You may have heard this one referred to in less polite terms, but in short this is the practice of bludgeoning someone with another someone. Be it a projectile halfling, a legion of reanimated corpses, or swinging the guy you knocked unconscious around by the ankles until his buddies have joined him, there are many uses for friends and enemies alike.
Whether you’re a fan of the M:tG card Fling or the practice of turning people into weapons like in Soul Eater, there’s no denying that the greatest and most terrifying weapon that’s always readily available is somebody… well some body, doesn’t matter if they’re cooperative or not. Only one rule applies when wielding people as weapons, never toss a dwarf, and if you do, don’t tell anyone.
1) Health bar – Deadpool, Marvel Avengers Alliance
Oh would you look who’s back at the top of the list? It’s our favourite reoccurring character. Well it’s not our fault Deadpool does so many things better than anyone else, and amongst them is improvising in his specialist field: sarcasm! And I guess weapons.
If you’ve ever played Marvel Avengers Alliance you’ll know it to be a surprisingly good “freemium” social media game, interesting stories, interesting mechanics, a surprising amount of engaging gameplay, but after a while, if you’re not winning all of the tournaments or paying real money you’re missing some of the best elements. I am not ashamed I paid money for Deadpool.
Like the badass he is, he’s well aware he’s in a game, and plays up to it, including the absolute best move in his arsenal (if not the most powerful), ripping his health and power bar from the GUI and smashing his opponent over the head with it. Now that’s thinking outside the box.
Some weapons are just not what you’d expect, but it’s not exactly the most improvised. In these next two cases, we show you two weapons that are indeed improvised to a point, but neither of them qualify properly for the list. Still, it’s worth mentioning them as they’re both weapons that are pretty unique to their titles.
Whatever You Can Grab – Dead Rising
It was perhaps the biggest selling point for Dead Rising that weapon creation got… well, creative. Most famous of all must be the double-ended-chainsaw-paddle, but the franchise also includes lightsabers, burning gloves, a pitchfork-shotgun, toy helicopter with blades, a lawnmower helmet, a heavily armed wheelchair, burning bull-skull helmets… you know what? There are lists on the internet, just have a look around, it gets silly.
But when you’re facing down hordes of zombies and you’re options are limited then necessity really is the mother of invention. Even when your shopping malls have guns readily available they can only get you so far, and then you need to get messy. Alright, so I’m not sure how necessary it is for you to strap a bunch of sawblades into a vacuum cleaner, but when inspiration takes you, you’ve really just got to go with it.
Proton Pack – Ghostbusters
On first appearance, the Proton Pack really shouldn’t be included on a list of improvised weapons, because the Ghostbusters went out specifically with these weapons. It isn’t until you actually stop to think about the facts of the Ghostbusters do you realise that this is a very highly specialised kind of improvisation.
The Proton Pack was created based upon a few basic theories which include:
- Ghosts exist
- Ghosts could be stopped
- How ghosts work (In theory)
They put together their weapon and they put their suits on based entirely on conjecture and theories. In my eyes, this makes them amongst the ultimate improvisational characters of all time… But what do you think?
That’s it, I’m going to put down my keyboard and instead throw it between your eyes! You’ve now bared witness to the greatest improvised weapons that have ever existed – at least to us. As always, we’ll be back next week with another list that we put together last minute (Or several days in advance, since you know, writing schedules and all that jazz). In the meantime, you get to sway the vote in your favour:
We’re done for this week, so it’s time to put down that pool cue, stop mincing our words and time for us all to celebrate that it’s all over with… By throwing some farmyard animals around. What do you think of our improvised weapons list? Were they zany and outlandish enough, or do you think we could have done better than this bunch? As always, let us know what you think in the comments below, or over on Facebook, Twitter or Reddit.
This is going to be difficult.
Somehow as a reviewer I feel as though I should be providing heavier critique, and maybe that’s just because I’ve read/listened to enough reviews that I feel like a critic should be more… well, critical of films, especially when they’ve had this much hype surrounding them. I don’t actually recall the last time I saw this much hype surrounding a film, and it easily matches the anticipation and drive behind this project, and no one fought harder than the lead actor, Deadpool. (more…)
We love being a little bit silly here on GeekOut, so because we’re in the spirit of the season, we thought we’d have a list that was equally as silly as the season itself. Wait a minute, that’s not right – Christmas is a time of love, good will and cheer. Ah well, for the most part the list we’ve comprised of features some silly characters who would spread some Christmas cheer.
Not all of them though. Just because you’re a little bit goofy doesn’t mean you’re always a happy go lucky kind of character. Goofy comes in many shapes and sizes, as you’ll see below! In this weeks’ Top 10, we’re counting down our favourite 10 Goofy Protagonists, whether they’re happy, slimy or simply silly. (more…)
It’s not easy being a fictional character, just ask characters such as Bruce Banner who becomes The Hulk through a tortuous metamorphosis. Whilst some characters have clearly got it bad now that they’ve developed, other characters had it bad before they became who they are today. With this in mind, we thought we’d pay homage to those characters who happen to have some particularly painful backstories.
Whether it’s emotional or physical, no stone has been left unturned. We’ve spoken to the professionals on this matter and they’ve informed us that these are indeed some painful backgrounds. So let’s get on with it, our Top 10 for this week!
10) Jackie Estacado, The Darkness
Characters like Jackie aren’t exactly the most “pained” background, compared to some of the guys in our list, but he did have a very emotionally challenging journey. His wife was killed early on and he became rather… Let’s just say bitter.
He became one with a powerful entity only known as The Darkness, but if that wasn’t bad enough, he himself has died on several occasions. Challenging and unsettling, Jackie is out there to get vengeance on those who did wrong.
9) Hellboy – Dark Horse
It’s never going to be easy being half-demon half-witch, but it’d surely be an awful lot simpler if your arm is not immediately sliced off and replaced by a weapon of incredible destructive power. It’s probably no fun to be cast out of hell before your father is encased in ice for his treachery. Fortunately the mortal world is full of loving souls who will gladly show you the finer things in life, people whom you in turn will love and protect, and outlive, and be forced to watch grow old and die, all the while knowing that you are destined to bring about their doom.
Anung Un Rama has a pretty easy life amongst the people who he serves, generally regarded as a hero by those who know him at all. But hanging quite literally over his head is the constant reminder of his heritage, the big curly horns he pulled off by hand in order to denounce his father.
8) Aang, Avatar
Yeaaah, we don’t need to say much about this one. When he was a boy, he was told that he would have the weight of the world on his shoulders.
He’s was taken away from a normal life as a boy at the young age of 6 who would become the Avatar, however he was told that he would have to bare the issues of the world. Isolation, important duties and never being able to be a real child… Now that’s sad.
7) Runcible – Titansgrave
I enjoyed watching Wil Wheaton’s AGE system RPG. I’ve seen him in a players seat before, and briefly DMing too, but Titan’s Grave was full of rich characters, an interesting world, and a fun and compelling narrative that was unafraid to go dark.
Oh and dark was exactly where it went. The idea that immortality is a curse is best summarised by the poor lonesome toy, designed to be the best friend of a young man who died years before, who wanders alone without anyone to play with or repair his scratches or jumpy motors. When the players arrive in the abandoned mansion where he lives, he is so terribly lonely that he insists they play a game with him before he helps.
A half robot teddy bear wandering around an empty mansion demanding that hard-ball player characters play children’s games is profoundly creepy, and Hank Green is understandably freaked out by him, but alas poor Runcible only has goodness in his heart. He may be permanently cheerful, but he’ll break your cold, shrivelled heart.
6) Zidane Tribal, Final Fantasy IX
So this guy is a Genome, which is pretty cool. He was sent to Gaia as a destroyer of the planet… Which again is pretty damn cool. However, he kinda crash landed and managed to forget everything. However, what happened next could only be described as harsh.
He was adopted by a man who lived out in the middle of nowhere… And this man would beat him whenever he went out to go and find out who he is. Boots. Fists. Belts. Ouch… Harsh. Guess what? He basically gets Stockholm Syndrome, too.
5) Dr. Gregory House M.D.
More widely acknowledged as the best modern interpretation of Sherlock Holmes, House has one particular driving force that he does not share with his inspiration. Not many people have the dubious fortune to experience the death of muscle. His stubborn refusal to have his leg taken from him results in the decision to remove a chunk of his thigh muscle, leaving him lame, increasingly bitter, and famously addicted to Vicodin.
His suffering began long before that of course. His step-father was abusive, as was his grandmother. His doting mother seems almost obstinately oblivious to her son’s suffering, and House spends years tortured by his inability to confront her over it. The experience has left him jaded and misanthropic (odd for a doctor, but never mind), made far worse by the constant pain in his leg.
4)Rorschach – The Watchmen
Problematic children are a general theme of the painful backstories. However Rorschach had a very abused childhood who was the son of a prostitue. Abuse rife in his childhood, Rorachach wanted to see justice in the world.
Becoming increasing voilent through the rest of his childhood until he was taken in by a home for problem children, he became better… at boxing and being violent! But no matter, he enjoyed a specific fabric and made himself into a form of super hero because of it. Hurrah!
3) Harvey “Two Face” Dent – Batman
Gotham’s public saviour, district attorney Harvey Dent had fought for years against his own bipolar depression and hereditary schizophrenia (inherited from his abusive father) to rise through the political ranks in his crusade to end the reign of the criminal families of the city. Better known for his hard-line stance on organised crime and good looks at the time, the incident changed it all for the polar opposite.
Be it the acid thrown at him by Sal Maroni, or the fire that engulfed him in the Joker’s plot, the newly emerged “Two Face” is so badly disfigured that his mind finally gives in to the latent madness. Permanently marked by a constant reminder of how his conquest failed, and his revenge drive took him into the darkest recesses of his own mind. Ultimately he became everything he fought to destroy, within and without.
2) Yamask, Pokemon
Yamask is a Pokemon. But it’s actually a dead human being, who can remember everything about his or her past. Now, that’s not so bad… Until you realise that it carries around a mask which is an exact copy of its real living face.
Whenever it looks at its face, it cries. Uncontrollably! It remembers everything about its past, including any family it had and now it has to be in the power of some child who believes he is the very best.
1) The Weapon X Project
Once again we were hit with indecision!
Wolverine has been alive for an insanely long time. In that time he has fought alongside friends in every major historical war, and watched them all die, but he felt no loss more keenly than the respect that was lost in the franchise films – I mean the death of Silverfox his first wife at the hands of Sabertooth.
Deadpool has cancer of the everything. Just everywhere…
Either way, the most brutal and terrible part of their life is involvement in the Weapon X program. The terrible, government-sanctioned illicit experimentation on human and mutant subjects to create ultimate soldiers and compliant weapons for the United States taking place at “The Facility” have no regard for morality or the resultant mental torture, only the destructive power of the end result.
Logan was kidnapped by the project and infused with adamantium, the molten metal adhered to his skeleton while he was still conscious. His boundless healing allowed his body to accommodate the augmentation.
Wilson on the other hand was artificially imbued with the same healing factor that Weapon X stole from Wolverine as a “cure” for his cancers. It failed, instead his body is now locked in eternal war with cancer, he lives his life permanently disfigured and entirely insane – or possibly the most sane of anyone alive.
The Weapon X project is a catalogue of pain, torture and emotional distress, so which of these classic cases suffered most? Cast your vote!
The wrestler Kane is a character filled with bad intentions, but also a dreadfully sad background. He doesn’t make our list as he’s not really y’know… Geeky… But he is to me damn it! Brother of the Undertaker, he’s a masked menace who has been terrorising the roster of the WWE for many years and hopefully more to come.
Growing up, he was subjected to setting the family house on fire, as well as accidentally burning his mother alive. His father, Paul Bearer, more or less disowned him. The worst thing of all? He burned his face which required him to wear a mask, plus then the most tragic thing of all… He had to have a robotic voice for a while. That was dreadful.
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
There are better ways to discover that you have inherited an immeasurably powerful vampiric servant than bleeding to death while you hide in its’ cage, but its’ one hell of a way to put a stop to your murderous traitor uncle.
When her father died Sir Integra found herself at the head of the foremost agency in the world for the hunting and slaying of inhuman monsters, which may be a heavy burden at the age of twelve. Certainly Uncle Richard felt so, but was the pistol and mini-lynch mob entirely necessary? Ultimately this event finds a twenty-two year old Sir Hellsing with a five century old vampire bodyguard and attack dog, but that kind of thing can really leave a mark.
Did you agree with our list for this week, or did you think we should be put on one of those chairs that give you an electric shock, y’know the ones from the arcades but just super-vamp it? If you felt we missed the mark with this one, let us know. If you feel we did justice to the poor men and women who suffered before they became who they are, then let us know again… Or if you just disagree with our order or you feel a character has been omitted in error, let us know in the comments below, or over on Facebook and Twitter. Please remember to hit that like button and vote for next weeks’ Top 10 and for who wins between Wolverine and Deadpool for the most painful backstory.
Huge thanks to all of the members of the GeekOut meetup on October 10th. They helped us write this list and we hope you enjoyed this list too. As always, let us know what we’ve done right ((and more importantly, what we did wrong!))
Heroes come in all shapes and sizes. Well, a lot of shapes anyway. They also fall all over the moral spectrum, from the earnest and righteous paladins, to the dark and brooding strangers. The bleaker end of the scale tends to bring us more compelling and dynamic characters, filled with conflict, unpredictable renegades with nothing to lose.
Come join us once again dear readers, as we plumb the depths of dark and brooding in this week’s Top 10 Anti-Heroes!
Up, up and away – Or at least that’s what these guys would want you to believe. No, these super heroes and heroines are a little bit more sad than their usual kind. Take for instance Superman. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t need to be afraid of much. He flies around, shoots heat lasers out of his eyes, can bench press entire planets and has literally unlimited power. In his real life he gets with the girl of his dreams and to make matters better, he’s a freakin’ alien who Earthlings don’t go “AAAH!” whenever they encounter him.
But that’s not always true in the world of super heroes. Instead, some of them have really rather tragic backgrounds, or powers that really make you question your sanity and if you’re reading (or seeing) correctly. Some of the heroes we’ve assembled are literally useless. But that’s fine. We love them as heroes regardless. So read on, for this weeks Top 10 is on some of the most Unfortunate Super Heroes.
10) Jubilee, X-Men
Sorry Jubilee, but your genetically induced ability to make sparkly lights is not impressive, no matter how 1980’s you make yourself appear. In a super-team with people who can generate lights that do a great deal more damage than a few fireworks you’re not going to be much more than a distraction with a strong southern accent.
There are more tragic X-Men for sure, many with more heartbreaking backgrounds than even being orphaned and living in a secret hideaway, but most of those X-Men have the advantage of being a useful and functional member of the world-saving race of advanced humans. You may be a vampire now, but let’s face it “Jubilation” you started your career as a human sparkler.
Spawn is awesome, that’s a fact. He has a battery of powers that would let him pass as a DC character in a pinch, he can practically do anything between his living armour, shapeshifting cloak, limitless chain weapons, the traditional strength, reflexes and healing. So why is Spawn on this list?
The powers were given to Al Simmons by the devil Malebolgia after he was burned to death. Managed by his “agent” the clown known as the Violator, he is taught that he is a servant sent to drag sinners back to hell, and if he works like a good boy he gets to see his wife again, although you do have to wonder, will he have to keep his gross burned up face for the reunion? And Wanda’s new husband – Al’s best friend Terry – might get a little upset about the whole thing.
8) Kotetsu T. “Wild Tiger” Kaburagi, Tiger & Bunny
Poor Kotetsu. Born to be the man who gets overshadowed by his younger, more good looking protege. He’s Wild Tiger from the amazing anime/manga series Tiger & Bunny, which I wrote a review for a long time ago. I might have to go back to this review one day to make sure that I still agree with it. The story of Tiger & Bunny features Super Heroes called NEXT who take part in a competition that’s televised known as Hero TV.
Kotetsu is just trying to get by in life. He believes in all that’s good, but his hot headed new partner in crime-fighting has an entirely different view on how to deal with criminals. As such, the two are constantly bickering. Kotetsu finds Barnaby, his partner (Bunny) to be irksome. Also, whilst Kotetsu means well, he really does more harm than he does good. Often whenever he gets money for his appearances on Hero TV, his pay is docked for the amount of structural damage he caused the city. More instant Ramen for you, Tiger.
So far as origin stories go, Dave Lizewski has one of the saddest. “I was trying to be a hero, got beat up and then got hit by a car.” Bright side, once he’s recovered his damaged nerve endings leave him barely able to feel, making his second attempt at heroism far more successful! He takes his beating and doesn’t go down, he just keeps fighting back.
Doesn’t make him any less clumsy, embarrassing, ineffective, or impervious. Fights still hurt, he still can’t really swing a proper punch, and he’s still laughably socially awkward. Side by side with Hit-Girl and Big-Daddy only makes his flailing more obviously amateurish. It all makes for a good film (two good films actually) but it doesn’t stop you from feeling pretty bad for poor Dave.
6) The Thing, Fantastic Four
Ben Grimm has come to terms with his new appearance over time, but his super-life did not come easily to him. While his friends got powers that left them perfectly able to walk around and function in public (so long as Johnny keeps the fire in check around people) Ben is coated head to toe in hard stone, and that doesn’t just switch off.
He lost his wife, he lost his ability to walk the streets, fell into the inner circle of criminal master The Mole Man, accepted for his ugliness. Not the only villain to manipulate The Thing either, as Angrir; Breaker of Souls he is an agent of destruction controlled by one of the seven fallen Asgardian hammers.
Perhaps the Thing’s worst lot in life though, are the four films. A Fantastic Four of Fantastic Fours. Even his catchphrase is better than his appearances on the big screen. Clobbering time indeed…
5) Rogue, X-Men
When your super powers develop in the X-Men series, you’re not some revered super hero or super heroine. Instead, you become a freak to the world. You in fact become what they call a Mutant. One of these so called Mutants is Rogue, whose name implies she’d have a bit of a shifty touch to her right? Well you’d be somewhat right there. If you’ve never heard of this character, you’ve not paid much attention to the X-Men franchise!
Basically, her power is… She drains the life force… and indeed the powers… Out of whoever she touches. When she was a teenager, she was enjoying her time with her close friend Cody who seemingly liked her. So he went in for the kiss, which is perfectly normal with teenager hormones and all that jazz. What isn’t normal is when kissing the someone you like permanently puts you in a coma. That’s what Rogue did (unbeknownst to herself). So whilst her power is one of the most amazing powers in any super hero franchise, she’s also got a terribly tragic background. She cannot physically touch someone without nearly killing them. It’s not all bad though… In the comics she completely absorbed the ability to fly.
Aquaman and his powers are actually pretty spectacular. I mean, he is one of the most consistently strong characters in the Marvel universe. He’s defeated Superman in combat via drowning did you know? To be honest, being the strongest Atlantian is a pretty impressive feat unto itself. I mean he can even communicate with the sea creatures and completely control them – but it goes further than that. That power is actually a case that he can control any animal under the sea. Guess what? Humans, indeed even Kryptonians, are animals too. Aquamans powers could potentially be as limitless as Superman himself. Perhaps not…
But why does any of this make him unfortunate? This is a weird one, but his powers doesn’t make him unfortunate. Neither does his background, as he has a very cool story behind him. He has one of the best weapons ever too in his trident. What’s left? The damn media that put him on our screens. They made him out to have a power of literally talking to fish. I mean, “I’ll save you, I’ll talk to my fish friends.” Really!? Are you serious!? For a mighty king of the seas… Aquaman, you sure are an Aquadork.
3) Swamp Thing
Part humanoid, part plant, The Thing has evolved over time to be from a hunched over shambling monstrosity that he was into some ripped monster of justice. But Swamp Things life wasn’t always like this. He was basically betrayed by his colleague, who wanted to, I kid you not with this, take Swampys wife. He wasn’t always an elemental swamp creature, but he was originally Alex Olsen, a scientist who was caught up in an explosion. This somehow transformed him into the beast that is Swamp Thing. So he goes to get revenge on his old colleague by killing him. However, when Alex sees his wife, she cannot recognise him. He’s not Alex any more, so he has to move on.
It’s really quite a sad background, but couple this with the fact he’s literally part vegetation right now, you can’t help but empathise with the guy. For one, he was almost killed by a colleague just because his colleague wanted his wife. Then he was transformed into a hideous shambling monstrosity who never gets to love again (to my knowledge). Finally, he gets his revenge but at what cost? Oh yeah, plus the writer didn’t even have a name for him, having been quoted to have said “I didn’t have a title for it, so I kept calling it that swamp thing.” Now that’s the ultimate insult. Created by a creator who won’t even give it a name. Well Alex Olsen, Swamp Thing, Swampy, you’re one of the best!
Oh but don’t even bother to watch the series.
2) Arthur, The Tick
He’s not a sidekick. Oh sure, the Tick is the muscle, all of the muscle in fact, Arthur in a fight is about as useful as a paper bag in the exact same fight. And the Tick is the one with all the actual super-powers, Arthur can kind of fly with his suit but even then he’s not great at it. But he is not the sidekick!
The reason: for all the muscle the Tick provides, Arthur is the brain. The Tick argues with plumbing, has a harder time with metaphors than Drax the Destroyer, and greater difficulty with basic day-to-day functions than a two year old. And he’s lumped himself with this optimistic try-hard in a bunny suit (sorry, moth) making Arthur the babysitter of the world’s most destructive toddler. You thought Jack-Jack Parr was dangerous? He’ll grow up and learn his vast array of strengths. Arthur’s charge is a wrecking ball with a cheerful smile, and doesn’t look set to change any time soon.
1) The Spleen, Mystery Men
Now The Spleen does not consider himself to be unfortunate, and in truth this entry should really be listed as “everyone around The Spleen”. He’s not all that dangerous, but he’s not a hero you want to be on the wrong side of, and believe me, The Spleen has a wrong side.
The power of this Mystery Man hero is a potent chemical weapon, surprisingly accurate and effective at long range, the gypsy-curse induced knock-out farts! There’s a reason Blue Raja and Mr. Furious were not keen to team up with him. You daren’t shake the man’s hand for fear of pulling a finger.
Combined with his social awkwardness, poor personal hygiene, and a weapon called “The Blame Thrower” The Spleen is one heavily equipped hero, and no one but Paul Reubens could have struck such fear into our hearts and nostrils as the Mystery Men’s strongest weapon.
Treeman is a one off sketch from the ASDFMovie series by TomSka. It’s one of the simplest stories of a Super Hero activating his powers in the hopes to save someone who needs to be rescued. Unfortunately for Treeman, he might have one of the most useless powers imaginable, but it’s okay. I believe in him. At least he isn’t Super Bob from The Demented cartoon movie! But this doesn’t excuse him from being absolutely useless.
When you’re in need, don’t count on Treeman to save your day. Unless the only way to save your day is to have a man turn into a rather fetchingly drawn tree, you will never find a use for Treeman’s powers. He’s an honourable mention as he’s not a true Super Hero… But I am sure someone out there is cheering for his mere existence. Well done, TomSka. You made a super useless super hero.
Bob, Agent of HYDRA
Bob is a highly amusing character and anyone who has read enough Deadpool comics will be able to tell you exactly why. Amusingly, he does count as an Antihero, which is a form of Super Hero, even though he possesses no real powers of his own. This is a common complaint of many super hero characters, but nevermind, Bob has more important things to be concerned with than having some simple heroic powers.
For example, Bob is basically Deadpools lackey. That’s dangerous enough, especially since when Deadpool and gang first meet Bob, they make him fly a HYDRA copter. Guess what happened? They all survived, but it was a mystery as to how. He’s kind of a bumbering idiot. It’s with this in mind that he’s one of the most affectionate sidekicks you’ll ever encounter. He’s fiercely loyal to Deadpool too. Perhaps he’s just scared for his life?
We’ve seen some strange Super Heroes in our lifetime. But the existence of some of the poor, but brave souls above is testament that out there are some truly bizarre, truly deprived men and women who made these heroes come to life. Well, not all of them, some are pretty cool, but for reasons that aren’t easy to explain, they were given backgrounds of questionable content. Nevermind eh? At least they get to look cool. Sometimes. Not you Arthur, you look silly.
Hey folks, don’t forget to vote for next weeks Top 10, because we love the challenges that we face here on GeekOut. We want bigger challenges, so don’t forget to vote for the one you think will be the most fun to read. Also, let us know what you thought of this weeks’ Top 10. Have we missed a trick? Do you agree with the heroes on our list? What do you think of some of the heroes? Do you think Aquamans portrayal by older media was just criminal!? Ahem, excuse me. I’m going to go and quietly sob into my Aquaman Issue 1 comic…
OH GOD THE BAD PUNS!